Oscar Morning or What Are These People Doing Up So Early?

Why does Hollywood’s big day, also known as the Academy Award nominations, occur at the crack of dawn?  Oh yeah, because 95% of Hollywood is insanely insecure, narcissistic, and must make sure everyone on the east coast is aware of their glorious triumphs before the morning shows break for the day. 

Here’s what I don’t get (among many things). This is one of the few times that east coast bias isn’t in play.  If Hollywood makes the decision that they’d like to sleep in, have a cup of energy drink, and announce the nominees at 9AM local time, you know what the networks and their east coast bias would say?  What time do we cut into programming for a special report?  Hollywood moves the needle:  Always has, and in our warped sense of what is deemed admirable, always will.  If you don’t believe me, check out the covers of the rags that pass for mainstream magazines at your local grocery store checkout line.

These nominations always go down the same way:  An older gentlemen walks out and drones on in such a way that the entire morning is threatened to be derailed before it even starts by everyone falling back to sleep out of sheer boredom (This has nothing to do with the 5:40 AM start as he would be boring any time of the day).   Then an actress is brought out, normally either a former Oscar winner or a young up and comer (Code for Hottie).  She is attired in a dress that should not be worn during AM hours unless it is in disarray from having been removed the night before.  She attempts a joke that she trips over the words of (because its 5:40 in the flippin’ morning), not that it matters because the joke itself reminds you joke writers shouldn’t be working this early either.  Finally, the proceedings begin in earnest.

During the reading of the nominees, there’s always some idiot that whoops it up when a particular film or person is nominated.  Most of these people are journalists who weren’t part of the film and are surrendering any semblance of objectivity with their incessant need to be a verbal part of the proceedings.  As for publicists who do this, one thing must be made perfectly clear:  They have not a single creative bone in their body.  Their entire purpose on Earth is to be a glorified cheerleader whose relentless repetition that their client is better than someone else’s client is all that separates them from stating over and over again “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” while drool runs freely down the side of their face.  Upon completion of the nominations, the older man wishes everyone a good morning and states that he’ll see us at the movies (Because after all, there’s nothing crossing my mind at the cusp of 6 AM other than sitting wide awake in a darkened room for 2 hours).

The rest of the day consists of reporters getting hold of the nominees and asking the same question “What were you doing when you found out about being nominated?”   Stars always try to state they were asleep.  Nice try, but you were a neurotic mess and we know it.  Know what I’d love to hear just once?  An actor proclaim “I was so nervous about this whole thing that I just started fooling around with my wife…my girlfriend…the woman next to me whose name I don’t remember…the crease between my mattress and box spring.  Any hole that was available man!”  That would be honest. 

But if you live in L.A., whether you are in that wacky business, yearn to be a part of it (raises hand), or wish to have nothing to do with it, you know that honesty is never considered the best policy.  See you at the movies!

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