No matter your point of view on her, recent reports stating that Kristen Stewart turned down playing Lois Lane in the upcoming Superman reboot elicited a strong response. I. like most of you, met the news with great relief. Stewart annoys me to absolutely no end and it’s for only one reason: She is so incredibly put upon by being a celebrity. I must paraphrase Dan Aykroyd in his classic Weekend Update tiffs with Jane Curtain and state: Kristen, you ignorant boob! (Even I can’t go slut on this one; I know nothing about her sexual proclivities)
Now a number of you might be saying to yourselves “Michael, it’s not her fault that she became a celebrity.” In my twenties, my response to this ridiculous statement would be to sardonically ask you how much cannabis you’ve partaken in and if there is any you wish to part with. In my forties, the response is now to simply ask how someone of such limited intelligence hasn’t managed to run into traffic yet. OF COURSE IT’S HER FAULT SHE’s A CELEBRITY!!!!
Let’s be clear – There have only been 2 can’t miss film franchises that were started in the last decade. 2 absolute can’t miss propositions in a business where success is a bigger crapshoot than deciphering Ozzy Osbourne’s verbage. The first is Harry Potter (Should you ever wish to gift the Jesus Freak in your life with proof of God’s hand in our world, the fact that those 3 kids went through that rabbit hole of an existence during the most confusing time of their lives and came out the other side without pretense or addiction is exhibit A). The second is Twilight. (And before you psycho fans of The Girl Who Wore Bondage Gear While Piercing Every Part Of Her Body and Hacking Into All Computer Programs Known To Man start bitching, the American version isn’t out yet, so it doesn’t count.) My point? If celebrity is something you don’t want, you don’t go after the female lead of one of the 2 sure things of the last decade!
And do not hit me with the whole “How could she know she would be so encumbered by celebrity?” This is 21st century America – We are a society that bequeaths celebrity to socialites who film in graphic detail their oral copulation skills, then proclaim dim witted ignorance. We are warmed by a You Tube clip of a homeless man with the voice of a trying too hard DJ who then proceeds to seek out any and every camera in his sight. With the machinations of our society determined to transform Andy Warhol’s famous 15 minutes line from observant witticism to unofficial Constitutional Amendment, it’s hard for me to fathom the thought that auditioning for the role of an angst ridden, thrill seeking, vampire loving teenager would be done without the knowledge that accepting said role would carry with it an entry into the public consciousness.
I know – you’re starting to come around but thinking to yourself that targeting someone in the acting arena is like shooting fish in a barrel. Say that to the men and women who perform in regional theater all across the country. Actors who figured out a way to express the creativity that burns within without trading it for the public exposure that has an uncanny knack for extinguishing such pure motivations. Maybe turning down the role of Lois Lane indicates that Ms. Stewart has turned over a new leaf. That she will no longer put herself in the path of unavoidable celebrity.
Oh yeah, she just accepted playing the role of Snow White…possibly with Julia Roberts as the evil queen. I’m sure stepping into the shoes of arguably the most famous Disney heroine, with the real possibility of playing opposite the biggest female box office attraction of the last 20 years, won’t generate an abnormal amount of attention at all.
I can’t wait for the put upon press junket.
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