To quote David Lee Roth in Ice Cream Man, I'm dedicating one to the ladies. Right about now, those of you who made a serious New Year's Resolution to get to the gym are in the midst of your first full week. This means you have discovered the joys of simultaneously cursing your maker of choice for creating the agonizing phrase "physical fitness" while praying to said maker to get you through another 20 minutes on resistance level 5. You’ve also come to realize that the fickle finger of fate always seems to poke a spec of dirt, lint, or eyelash into your eyeball right as you reach the midpoint of said exertion, thus causing you to convulsively blink in a manner reminiscent of Elizabeth Berkley’s sex scene in Showgirls . If you have indeed reached this point, congratulations! It’s now high time to prepare you for the next task in your personal road to better health: analyzing your male gym rats.
Let's get Carrie Bradshaw about this shall we? A good portion of you jumped into this odyssey of physicality because you wanted to look better in order to get laid. The rest of you entered into this out of a medicinal need to improve your interior well being…with an ulterior motive of wanting to look better in order to get laid. As with all situations involving intercourse without procreative intentions, the attainment of carnal pleasure via calisthenics is littered with bad decisions borne out of failing to recognize the meaning behind non speaking cues. Allow this veteran of the gym wars to give you some simple tips to adhere to:
1. Any man who continuously grunts in a manner reminiscent of Chewbacca begging Han Solo not to use his blaster in the trash compactor will do the exact same thing while he is atop you, pumping away like gas hurtling toward an empty tank you are no longer certain you want filled. Believe me when I say that you do not have the mental toughness to overcome this no matter how vividly you imagine yourself in the middle of a Brad Pitt-Johnny Depp sandwich.
2. Any man who has the upper body of Adonis attached to two toothpicks attempting to disguise themselves as legs will have a penis that makes your pocket rocket look like a Big Gulp container. Several female friends have confided this fact to me over the years and attempts to prove me wrong will leave you as unsatisfied as half the Lost disciples after their series finale.
3. Any man who wears a tank top with straps that can double as dental floss has the intellectual capacity of a young Forrest Gump. Ditto any man who wears a weight belt. You can ravage their rippling muscles all you want, but after sharing a meal you will feel like my wife Charger Gal each January after her beloved San Diego Chargers end their football season: I wasted my energy on this????
4. Any man who looks at himself flexing after every set he completes will never care about you, never appreciate you; it is entirely possible he will not even know your name. The only name he will ever shout out in the heat of the moment is his own. GOD doesn't even have a prayer of escaping his lips during climax.
5. Any man who over breathes in the steam room like Luka Brasi being garroted or drinks coffee during his work out is highly likely to be equipped with blood vessels so constricted there’s a fairly decent chance he will literally screw himself to death. Unless you have a burning desire to be a black window, I’d steer clear. (Should your sexual proclivities run dark, I suggest the asphyxiation route – same danger/pleasure combo, far less potential for body count).
6. Any man who feels compelled to let every patron in the workout area know his feelings about the sport highlight before him will never feel for you under any circumstances what he does for Tom Brady and Brett Favre. This is not a comment on his sexuality, but rather his inability to put things in their proper perspective. This will never change -- not even if you are blessed with the oral copulation skills of a first ballot hall of fame pornographic actress.
Live fast and true to these guidelines ladies and you could find yourself ending up with Mr. Right and if not…..ah screw it, just find Mr. Right Now. It’s what everybody else does at the damn gym!
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