There are 4 truths to any election cycle: Mail carriers will gain 10-15 pounds of muscle due to the myriad of propaganda pieces they must carry every day. TV ads will air ad nauseam and leave you with your thumb on the mute button like a gunfighter ready to draw. The phone will incessantly ring, leading you to yell at it to stop even though it’s an inanimate object. Gas prices will fall in the 2 weeks leading up to election day. (3.13 on October 15th, 3.03 this morning)
If you live in California like I do, you’re probably yelling at the computer (Much like the phone, an inanimate object) to add to that list the following: The candidates suck! Look, I’ve bemoaned on record via Facebook for over a month that we should all go the Brewster’s Millions route and vote “None of the Above”, but that was a movie, and not even a very good one. We’re stuck with these people. You know it, I know it. Of course this doesn’t stop every blowhard on every political show, local and national, from espousing with ferocious intensity their castigation of the candidate from the opposite party, followed by a passionate defense of the candidate their joined in political lockstep with.
We can be just like these blowhards, but with a twist. Seriously, they can sooth their fragile egos with half assed, mostly made up proclamations about who they are all they want, but there’s nothing superior about their mental acumen. We could do exactly what they do, and I say we can do it better. Here’s how:
-Grab a box. Any box will do as long as it can hold your weight.
-Write in front of the box in big bold letters the word SOAP.
-Stand on box.
-Espouse your viewpoint with ferocious intensity
See? We rock! Now that we’re up on this box, how about we do some espousing?
I’m a registered Independent, which means that during the election cycle, both parties court me like I’m the hot chick at the school dance. I’ll be honest; having never been hot or a chick, it’s rather flattering. But much like what attractive women have to go through in life, the attention is ultimately disappointing because the big men on campus eventually have to open their mouths, rendering their attention unfulfilling and unwanted. (It’s just so hard for us to find a good man isn’t it ladies?)
Being Independent also means I have the audacity to reject conventional thought. I’ve never understood the pack mentality that dictates you must support someone, even if your instinct says they are awful, simply because they have D or R in parentheses next to their name. I actually believe it’s conceivable to be liberal on some issues and conservative on others. For example, I do not smoke pot nor am I gay, but I’m completely in favor of legalizing marijuana and gay marriage. I also strenuously support abortion and a woman’s right to choose. Conversely, I’m all for capital punishment and believe that the moment someone forcibly enters your home, you should be able to kill them. Yes, kill them. (Oh look, it’s the bleeding heart liberal thought balloon you all had. It just popped.)
I know, you’re silently saying to yourself, “That’s rather politically schizophrenic of you.” Yes it is, but at least it’s consistent on the matter of life and death. Have you looked at our two party system when it comes to abortion and capital punishment? Republicans will do everything possible to ban abortion, citing what a crime it is to take an unborn life. But the moment that fetus is exposed to smog infested air and does so much as jaywalk, they want it injected and gassed and fried and marched before a firing squad. Let’s try the other side. Democrats are all for babies dying at any point for the duration they are in a woman’s womb, but the moment that child is out and proceeds to live a life of such violent depravity that Hannibal Lecter would hiss “That’s disgusting Clarice.”, somehow Mike Farrell ends up on every news show known to man pleading for a permanent stay of execution.
Who’s schizophrenic now?
Look, I’m not going to share my candidates of choice, mostly because they’re not my choice as much as they are the ones I consider to be the lesser of two evils. I plan on approaching the ballot box with a clothespin pinching my nostrils shut same as most of you. But if I may be so bold, let me ask one thing of each of you.
It doesn’t matter if you play Eenie Meanie, Minie, Mo, mark C on everything like it's an old school Scantron test, or find a way to write in Batman and Sue Sylvester. Just don’t shirk it off because you had a long day, you think the line will be too long, or you think it won't make a difference anyway.
Because too many people who you and I never met made the ultimate sacrifice for us to still have the right to be able to do this. If for nothing else than as a tribute to them, we should all make our way to the local fire house or church and punch a few circles. They gave up a Hell of a lot more than a night’s TV. (And the TV won’t be any good anyway because it’ll all just be election coverage.)
Viewpoints espoused. Can somebody help down from this box?
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